Magic Poptarts and Cursed Corn

Once upon a time, there was a poptart. It was a very, very, very old poptart. It had turned from tan with blue icing, to green with black icing. Even though it was very, very, very old, this poptart was magical and weird. The person who owned this poptart was stupid and insignificant so he shall be called Ant for the moment. Ant was stupid, but it was not his fault, he just didn't pay attention during his listening to food talk their weird language class, so he didn't hear the poptarts gossiping about the magical poptart. So Ant found the green and black poptart and threw it in the garbage. As everyone should know, disposing of magical food items in the trash is wrong and you shall be burned at the stake for such a heinous crime. The proper way to dispose of such a disgustingly amazing thing is with fire, because fire is awesome. But whatever, Ant was stupid and threw the poptart in the trash where it went to the dump. A Hobo, that we will call Frank, was hanging out at the dump and found the beautiful but weirdly colored poptart, and he ate it. The magic poptart then bestowed upon Frank the majesty of a "Glampire", similar to those creepy "vampires" from that one series. He glittered through the town in his awesome hobo clothes, and all of the soccer moms fawned over Frank and gave him lots of money. Frank took his money and went to Krispy Kremes and bought some delicious fresh doughnuts, because he had only ever had dump doughnuts. But then he became fat and no one liked him anymore, so the magic poptart that was still in his belly gave him wings and he flew to Australia and befriended the Kangaroos. They danced and frolicked and played. The koalas became jealous of Frank and the Kangaroos. So they gave Frank some corn, Frank accepted the corn in hopes to be friends with the Koalas. But the corn was cursed and gave Frank the hobo glampire with wings, fish arms. They stank horribly and it ruined his dreams of being a hobo guitar player on the streets, because he no longer had any fingers. Having fish arms also made it very hard for him to cook. Anytime he would get near hot cooking things like ovens, fires, stoves, boiling water and stuff, his arms would begin to cook and the cats would smell. The cats chewed on his arms evilly. So all of Frank's dreams of being awesome were destroyed. So he decided to learn to play hopscotch with his kangaroo buddies. But his Kangaroo buddies were embarrassed to be near such an obvious hobo glampire with wings and fish arms retard, because he accepted corn from the Koalas. So they shunned him. Frank fell into misery, and a river of rootbeer, he drowned in happy rootbeer when the koalas started throwing garlic at him. THE END