Flying Gangster Angry Badger Pirate that is Awesome

Once upon a time, there was an angry badger. The poor little angry badger was addicted to corn. But he was awesome and gangster, and all of the other badger creatures were jealous. So they kicked him out of a window, and the awesome gangster angry badger learned how to fly. While he was flying through the sky he met a squirrel. As we all know, Squirrels are evil and deserve to die, so the awesome gangster angry badger jumped on the squirrel in mid air and made the squirrel fall to his death where he would suffer for eternities of listening to  country music, while the badger flew away laughing because it was funny and the squirrel totally deserved it. The badger later landed on a pirate ship and automatically became the captain because a Flying Gangster Angry Badger Pirate is just that awesome. It was a really big boat, made out of gingerbread and fruit cake. Angry badger thought it was delicious. All of the pirates drowned, except for the Awesome Flying Gangster Angry Badger Pirate, because he could fly away. He flew all the way to walmart and bought some pink flip flops. They were badgertastic!!!!  so he bought some flip flops and walked out of walmart with his awesome flying gangster angry badger pirate swagger and his pants on the ground. He stepped in dog crap. It was really stinky. He hunted down the dog that had committed such a horrible act to poo in the path of the Awesome flying Gangster angry badger pirate. The dog was adorable and loved to eat badgers. So he laid a trap for the awesome flying gangster angry badger pirate by making a trail of corn to a cage that was super strong and equally as awesome as the awesome flying gangster angry badger pirate. Badger thing was captured and given to the dog's owner who thought it was the cutest thing in the world. The dog laughed because he was actually an evil puppy of cuteness and was planning to break the owner child's heart by eating the awesome flying gangster angry badger pirate while the owner child watched. muahahahahahahahahahah! >:) and so that all happened and the owner child cried for weeks and the puppy used his cuteness to get away with it and the awesome flying gangster angry badger pirate's legacy lives on in this story and in the evil puppy of cuteness's belly.

THE END

Magic Poptarts and Cursed Corn

Once upon a time, there was a poptart. It was a very, very, very old poptart. It had turned from tan with blue icing, to green with black icing. Even though it was very, very, very old, this poptart was magical and weird. The person who owned this poptart was stupid and insignificant so he shall be called Ant for the moment. Ant was stupid, but it was not his fault, he just didn't pay attention during his listening to food talk their weird language class, so he didn't hear the poptarts gossiping about the magical poptart. So Ant found the green and black poptart and threw it in the garbage. As everyone should know, disposing of magical food items in the trash is wrong and you shall be burned at the stake for such a heinous crime. The proper way to dispose of such a disgustingly amazing thing is with fire, because fire is awesome. But whatever, Ant was stupid and threw the poptart in the trash where it went to the dump. A Hobo, that we will call Frank, was hanging out at the dump and found the beautiful but weirdly colored poptart, and he ate it. The magic poptart then bestowed upon Frank the majesty of a "Glampire", similar to those creepy "vampires" from that one series. He glittered through the town in his awesome hobo clothes, and all of the soccer moms fawned over Frank and gave him lots of money. Frank took his money and went to Krispy Kremes and bought some delicious fresh doughnuts, because he had only ever had dump doughnuts. But then he became fat and no one liked him anymore, so the magic poptart that was still in his belly gave him wings and he flew to Australia and befriended the Kangaroos. They danced and frolicked and played. The koalas became jealous of Frank and the Kangaroos. So they gave Frank some corn, Frank accepted the corn in hopes to be friends with the Koalas. But the corn was cursed and gave Frank the hobo glampire with wings, fish arms. They stank horribly and it ruined his dreams of being a hobo guitar player on the streets, because he no longer had any fingers. Having fish arms also made it very hard for him to cook. Anytime he would get near hot cooking things like ovens, fires, stoves, boiling water and stuff, his arms would begin to cook and the cats would smell. The cats chewed on his arms evilly. So all of Frank's dreams of being awesome were destroyed. So he decided to learn to play hopscotch with his kangaroo buddies. But his Kangaroo buddies were embarrassed to be near such an obvious hobo glampire with wings and fish arms retard, because he accepted corn from the Koalas. So they shunned him. Frank fell into misery, and a river of rootbeer, he drowned in happy rootbeer when the koalas started throwing garlic at him. THE END